Listen, Kristen, I know you didn’t mean for that to be an exhaustive list (or did you?), but I simply can’t let this go by without adding what is surely the most important benefit of all: if you, or anyone reading this, will send a generous Bitcoin donation (whatever you can afford, bless your heart) to 16CVBeUJGX935FrunvvBbQziyAbL2bHb99 , I will use my blockchain expertise to guarantee (you read that right … guarantee!) that after you die, the mysterious, invisible part of you called a “soul” will go live forever in a place with golden streets … or 72 virgins, your choice.

Now, I know, you’re saying, “Paul, how can I be sure you’re legit?”

All I can tell you is, look at my $100 haircut! Look at the $1000 suit I’m wearing! Look at the crowd of people I’m standing in front of while I wave my arms, turn my face to the ceiling and close my eyes! Look at the Rolls Royce I’ll drive away in after the “service”. Check out my horse ranch in Wyoming. I didn’t get to this point by leading people astray. No, I’ve got Christ backing me up here!

That’s right, Christ loves Bitcoin, and every satoshi you send will help support His ministry to the lost and wayward. Don’t do it for me, do it for yourself, and do it for the millions of children who will otherwise be lost to Satan’s wiles … unless they grow up enough to get outfitted first with explosive vests so they can blow themselves up in crowded marketplaces and thus cash in on the virgins. Or, if in the U.S.A., they can pick up an AK-47 and shoot some abortion doctors, which will get them wings to wear around the golden streets.

But those things are hard to do. I’m giving you the easy path here. Open your Bitcoin wallet now and send whatever you can afford. The Lord Bless You!